Squeaky Wheel Seeks Grease

Remember that foreign-sounding-acronym-with-a-zillion-consonants meme that went around last month? Well, Rachel Lucas decided that it wasn’t fun enough/scary enough…so she made up her own questions after some encouragement from her readers.

Behold: The “Pretend I’m Your Therapist” meme! (Original questions in strikeout for the sake of absurdity):

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? WHAT INSULTING NICKNAMES WERE YOU CALLED IN CHILDHOOD? - Seriously, if I ever told anyone, I’d never live it down. So I will just say “Red”. It was annoying.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? WHEN YOU CRY, DO YOU LOOK UGLY, OR DOES IT GIVE YOU A BEAUTIFUL SAD GLOW? - I’m a redhead with high color. Of COURSE I look ugly when I cry. I look like a mottled red monster with freckles.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? ARE YOU FORGETTING HOW TO WRITE BECAUSE YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON THE COMPUTER? - How’d you know? Actually, my hands just get tired more easily from writing because my wrists aren’t used to moving. They usually just sit on the edge of the keyboard. Lazy assholes.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? DO YOU THINK VEGETARIANS ARE INSANE? (BECAUSE THEY ARE.) - I don’t *really* care about the ones who do it because they really can’t stand the thought of eating meat…whatever. Do what you want. Just get enough protein. But the ones who think that we shouldn’t eat meat? Like, REALLY shouldn’t eat meat, not just for moral reasons? Uh, we’re omnivores. Get a clue.

DO YOU HAVE KIDS? DO YOU LIKE KIDS? IF SO, WHY? WHY, IN THE NAME OF GOD? - My nephew’s pretty fun. But kids scare me, if you want to know the honest-to-god truth. Especially when they’re still in diapers. Ew.

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? IF YOU WERE A DOG, WOULD YOU LICK YOURSELF JUST BECAUSE YOU COULD? DON’T TRY TO DENY IT. - If I was a dog, I might not know any better. But if I still had MY brain? Probably not.

DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? ARE YOU AS FRIGHTENED OF CLOWNS AS YOU SHOULD BE IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU? - Clowns…well, the only memories I have of them really are that they all had bad breath. So when I think of clowns, I don’t really get scared, I get disgusted. I remember thinking as a child, “don’t you brush your teeth?”

DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? IF YOU COULD BE EITHER VERY BEAUTIFUL OR VERY SMART, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WHY? - Well, being smart hasn’t gotten me anywhere, and a lot of guys tell me I’m beautiful, but that doesn’t seem to have gotten me anywhere, either. Hm. I guess I’ll stick with the brains. At least that way I have POTENTIAL, dammit.

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? HOW MUCH MONEY WOULD YOU REQUIRE TO HAVE INTIMATE RELATIONS WITH MICHAEL MOORE OR ROSIE O’DONNELL (DEPENDING ON YOUR SEXUAL PREFERENCE BUT DOES THAT REALLY MATTER WITH THESE TWO)? - There is no money in the world that would convince me to have sex with either of these people. I am dead serious. Dead…yeah…is death an option?

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CUSS WORD? - “Fuck”, and every variation thereof. No question.

DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? IF YOU’RE A MAN, HAVE YOU EVER CAUGHT YOUR JUNK IN YOUR ZIPPER? HOW BAD DID IT HURT? IF YOU’RE A WOMAN, HOW GLAD ARE YOU THAT YOU’RE NOT A MAN? - I think I’m pretty evenly divided on whether it’s better to be a man or a woman. Getting your junk caught in your zipper sucks, but so do periods. And most men (one would hope), don’t get caught in their own zippers on a monthly basis, so score one for them. HOWEVER, women wield The Power. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about. So I’d call it a draw.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO GROW OLD OR DIE TRAGICALLY YOUNG? - It could go either way, honestly. My family tends to live FOR-FREAKIN’-EVER, though (Evil is keeping one member of my family alive - he should have died 10 years ago - I’m completely serious), so I’ll probably be 90 and peeing on myself while gumming my food and bitching at everyone. With blue hair.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? DESCRIBE YOUR MOST RECENT NIGHTMARE. - I don’t remember my dreams past the first hour I’m awake, just that the Ambien-induced ones are weird. Sorry.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? DO YOU WISH THAT, INSTEAD OF PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION DEBATES, THEY INSTEAD HAD TO BOX EACH OTHER, BECAUSE THEN THERE’D NEVER EVER BE ANOTHER DEMOCRAT IN THE WHITE HOUSE? - I don’t know about that…some of the Dems might pull the Puss in Boots big-eyed-innocent-please-don’t-hurt me look and then pop their opponent in the jaw when their guard is lowered. There would be a lot more people watching the debates, though, that’s for damned sure.

RED OR PINK? ABBA: THE BLONDE OR THE BRUNETTE? - I’m a youngin’. I don’t care about this question.

WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? WHAT DISEASE DO YOU MOST FEAR CONTRACTING? ALL OF THEM, but especially HIV. Pills for the rest of my life? No, thanks - I’d rather die.

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? WHO DO YOU MISS THE LEAST? - My psychotic ex-boyfriend who hasn’t quit stalking me and telling everyone else I’m a bitch while telling me I’m the only one he’s ever loved ever since I broke up with him 2 years ago. He emails me conversations with friends where he calls me a bitch, then adds his “but I’ll love you forever, and we ARE getting back together” messages at the end. And THAT? That’s why I’m getting a gun at the end of the month. Wait…what were we talking about again?

WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DO YOU HATE SHOPPING FOR NEW CLOTHES (10 BEING SO MUCH YOU’D RATHER CLEAN THE CAT BOX WITH YOUR BARE HANDS). - 8. I have an almost perfect hourglass shape, and the people who run the fashion industry apparently believe that women should be shaped like little boys, so finding clothes is an exercise in futility unless I want to look pregnant or buy what my aunt calls “doo-doo pants” (pants where the ass is so generous that it looks like you dropped a load in them).

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE BEFORE THE LAST TIME YOU THREW UP? - A banana and some ibuprofen.

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? NAME FIVE “CLASSIC” POPULAR SONGS YOU HOPE YOU NEVER HEAR AGAIN AS LONG AS YOU LIVE. - That’s why I have Sirius - so I never HAVE to listen to ANY of them again.

IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? IF YOU WERE A DOG, WHICH BREED WOULD YOU BE? - Irish Wolfhound. Big and scary so people would dote on me but leave me alone when they were finished feeding me or what-have-you.

FAVORITE SMELLS? FAVORITE BODILY FUNCTION? (COUGH, SNEEZE, BELCH, POOP, FART, YAWN, ETC) - Man, there’s nothing like a good BM. Seriously. If you’re in a bad mood, taking a dump can make all the difference in the world.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU HAD A HUGE FIGHT WITH, WHAT WAS THE FIGHT ABOUT, AND WHO WON? - A fight where BOTH people participated? Uh…I don’t remember. Usually I just yell and people either ignore me or try to placate me because they know I’m totally irrational about certain things. So I guess I always win…lol.

FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? AS WE ALL KNOW, PRO FOOTBALL IS THE ONLY SPORT WORTH CARING ABOUT. IN LIGHT OF THAT FACT, WHO IS THE BEST NFL QUARTERBACK OF THE LAST 10 YEARS? BEST RUNNING BACK? BEST WIDE RECEIVER? BEST DEFENSIVE PLAYER? BIGGEST PRIMA DONNA? WHINIEST BITCH? - You just spoke gibberish.

HAIR COLOR? BALD MEN ARE VERY SEXY. DISCUSS. - Eh. I don’t care. As long as their head isn’t pointy or lumpy, I guess.

EYE COLOR? THE INVENTION OF THE PILL IS A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO BELIEVE IN GOD. DISCUSS. - For people like me, it’s not, but I can agree that for most of the population, The Pill is a Very Good Thing.

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? DO YOU HAVE PERFECT VISION? IF SO, RACHEL LUCAS ENVIES YOU WITH THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND GALAXIES. - No. I’m an optical gimp.

FAVORITE FOOD? FOOD YOU FIND SO REPUGNANT THAT YOU SIMPLY CANNOT BELIEVE OTHER PEOPLE PUT IT IN THEIR MOUTHS? - Squash. Cauliflower. Brussel Sprouts. Buttermilk. Cottage Cheese. Anything soaked in vinegar (I can stand pickles on burgers, though). Tomatoes that aren’t made INTO something, like ketchup or spaghetti sauce. Okra…ick.

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? WHEN YOU GO TO THE MOVIES AND THE JERK BEHIND YOU KICKS YOUR SEAT CONSTANTLY, DO YOU IGNORE/MOVE OR DO YOU CHALLENGE THEM TO FISTICUFFS? - I’m a bitch now. I would have ignored them before, but now I turn around and tell them to please stop kicking my seat. If it happens again, I start cursing at them. I don’t care how old you are - you don’t listen to “please” the first time, and your parents don’t reel your inconsiderate ass in, you’re going to get a few “fucking”’s thrown your way. I didn’t pay $8 for you to pretend that you’re a Shiatsu massage chair.

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED THAT MADE YOU GET ON YOUR KNEES AFTERWARDS AND BEG GOD TO GIVE YOU THE LAST TWO HOURS OF YOUR LIFE BACK? - For the audience: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. Tell me, WHY do you have to mimic every motion or sound you see on the screen for more than a few seconds? WHY?!?!?

WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? DO YOU EVER PUT CLOTHES ON YOUR PETS? - Hell, no. What do I look like, an idiot? Wait, don’t answer that.

SUMMER OR WINTER? BEER, WINE, OR LIQUOR? - “Malt beverages”, aka “bitch beer”. Smirnoff Ice (regular or Triple Black - the fruit ones taste like lip gloss). Or Vanilla-flavored liquor. Whichever is available.

HUGS OR KISSES? FALL ASLEEP OR CUDDLE? - Cuddle WHILE falling asleep.

FAVORITE DESSERT? FAVORITE FOOD THAT YOU KNOW WILL KILL YOU EVENTUALLY BUT YOU DON’T CARE BECAUSE IT IS JUST SO FREAKING DELICIOUS? - Nachos from Huey’s. MMmmmmmmmm…

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO DISGUSTED BY A BOOK’S ENDING THAT YOU VIOLENTLY DESTROYED THE BOOK? I’ve never destroyed a book on purpose. I HAVE, however, accidentally forgotten to shake out my laundry and inadvertently washed and dried books into shreds. The fact that this action is plural should tell you something about my laundry habits.

WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? DO YOU HAVE P0RN ON YOUR COMPUTER? DON’T LIE. - Actually, I don’t. I had the Dustin Diamond video on here for shits and giggles (a friend told me to download it while we were both here, and we watched it to see if the “Dirty Sanchez” actually happened, because we’re sick like that, but it didn’t, really [omg spoiler sorry], so I deleted it).

WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? TRUE OR FALSE: “REALITY” T.V. IS THE BEST REASON FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD TO HATE AMERICA. - It’s one out of probably 100,000 reasons.

FAVORITE SOUND? FAVORITE DRUNKEN SLATTERN: PARIS, LINDSEY, OR BRITNEY? - Britney. She’s LOADS more entertaining than Paris and Lindsey combined.

ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? MOST DESERVING OF CHUCK-NORRIS-STYLE ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE THROAT: AL GORE OR JESSE JACKSON? - Jesse Jackson. No contest. Al Gore is an idiot, but he mostly just talks. He doesn’t actively seek out people to make their lives miserable in person because they’re a different race than he is.

WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? WHAT HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME YOU GOT DRUNK? ‘FESS UP. - I think I sat on the porch in a lawn chair in my apartment complex, wondering if people could tell I’d been drinking, even though I wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary for me. I was 14, and had mixed my mom’s Peach Schnapps with lemonade. Sorry, Mom.

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? IF YOU COULD HAVE MAD SKILLZ IN DANCING OR IN SINGING, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WOULD IT BE FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL SATISFACTION OR TO IMPRESS OTHER PEOPLE AND POSSIBLY GET SOME ACTION? - I already have mad skillz in singing, and lots of people tell me I’m a good dancer. And let me tell you, unless you work your ass off (literally) and seek people out who can help further whatever career you want, you’re not going to get anywhere with either unless you’re a size 6 or smaller. Unless you’re black. Then, if you’re fat, you’re sexy. Life is so unfair. I have gotten asked out because of my singing voice, though. I declined.

WHERE WERE YOU BORN? IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPERPOWER, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WOULD YOU USE IT FOR GOOD OR EVIL? - Invisibility. If people don’t know you’re there, it’s almost as good as having x-ray vision, telepathy, telekinesis, etc. And you could probably fly for free. Having said that, I’d use it for my own personal gain, but I probably wouldn’t try to purposely hurt anyone. It’s no fun if they can’t see you.

WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? IF YOU NEVER SEE ANOTHER Q&A MEME AGAIN, WILL IT BE TOO SOON? Yep. You got me when I was bored, though. Good for you.