ETA: I KNOW HOW BAD THIS LOOKS. If you feel the need to leave a derogatory comment, just leave the way you came. Unfriend me on Facebook, take me off of your feed reader, take me off of your blogroll – I don’t give a shit any more. Which is why I’m posting this. My life could get worse, but imagining how is not helping. I’m job-hunting for tutoring positions and doing odd online jobs for a pittance. I’m not just sitting on my ass, thank you very much for asking.
And now we continue with our regularly-scheduled blogging.
ETA 2: Everything I am paying right now is something that needs to be paid. I have no “pleasure” expenses. I cannot cull any further. Don’t suggest it – it’s not possible. Thanks for playing.
ETA 3: I AM NOT ELIGIBLE TO EVEN APPLY FOR DISABILITY FOR ANOTHER FIVE MONTHS. In case you’re wondering why that’s not talked about in here. I plan to use that option, against my political reservations, but it’s NOT happening any time soon.
Anything else, I’m not going to add, unless someone asks me a direct question. I know I look like a bitch in this introduction, but getting the reactions I have has been, in a word, “disappointing” – you know, like when your parents say they’re disappointed in you instead of just screaming at you and grounding you. You have disappointed me, Mean Internet People. As stupid as it sounds, that’s all I have to say.
In case y’all haven’t noticed, or haven’t been paying attention, I’m sick.
It’s not just Lyme – yeah, that’s the base of it, and the cause of basically everything I’m going through right now (if you remove human involvement *cough*wasband*cough*), but there are multiple things going on that are just making life really difficult.
I can’t make a list of which is bothering me the most, because they’re all working together to create a really crappy situation, and if one element was removed, things may not be this bad…or, they may be bad in a different way. I have no idea, as my life is what it is right now, and that’s all I know. No amount of reading or research changes my personal experience.
The biggest problem I’m having…the one that “fixing” would make things more manageable, even if it wouldn’t ease much else…is that I’m having problems finding employment, and thus am having problems paying bills and medical costs.
My needs are actually very humble – $500 literally covers my bills each month. That amount pays for my prescriptions as they are, it pays for my car insurance, the credit card payments for the debt I got into during my divorce, and the once-per-month doctor appointments at the Lyme specialist OR the tri-monthly appointments at my regular doctor.
I’ve been on several job interviews, applied for countless positions, and even held a job for a few days before being fired for an arbitrary (and ridiculous) reason that was completely out of my control, and incidentally had nothing to do with my illness.
My lack of employment and income are not for lack of trying. Forrest can attest to that, as can the temp agencies I’m registered with at this time (there are four of them, and three are in nearly-constant communication with me, if I’m not calling them for updates on a weekly basis). The economy sucks, and my lack of employment past late 2009 on my resume isn’t helping matters.
I have just taken my last anti-fungal (Nystatin) for this round of Candida treatment, and thus it is time for a follow-up. My doctor’s office is located in Tunica, which is part of the area affected by the flood, so that won’t be happening any time within the next couple of weeks, but it might be just as well, due to the side-effects of the Nystatin.
When you take an antibiotic or anti-fungal medication for an extended period, or for a serious infection (as are the two major ones I have), the dying targets give off toxins. Those toxins spread through your body, giving rise to the adage, “You will feel worse before you get better.” This past month, with its Nystatin and Minocycline for yeast and MRSA, has proven to me without a shadow of a doubt that the process of treatment, however many years it takes, is going to be long and painful. You think you have trouble sleeping…and that you have trouble getting up. You assume your muscles couldn’t possibly be any more ornery, or that your seizures couldn’t be any more random. Your brain fog only allows for a small amount of mental strain each day, and you hope there’s no way it could get worse. THEN you’re put on these long-term meds, and everything you thought you knew turns out to have been a gross underestimation.
To create relevance with my employment situation, this medication (and the process) have created one of the most depressing and frustrating lives I’d hoped I’d never lead. In January, I was chasing toddlers for 8 hours per day. Yesterday, I spent about an hour wandering along the Mississippi River taking photos of the damage from the flood. Three days of toddler-chasing created LESS of a physical reaction than an hour of wandering (with the help of a cane). In 4 months, with the added medication, I’ve gone from “should probably stick to a desk job” to “should probably get a handicapped parking permit”.
That’s not a long time. A woman who’s pregnant doesn’t even know the gender of her fetus after that time period. Most jobs have only allowed you to have insurance for one month at that point. What I’m saying is, this has been kind of sudden, in the big scheme of things.
I’m still searching for a job, but because I’m due to be on stronger anti-fungals (and thus, will be more prone to bacterial infections, warranting more antibiotics alongside), I’m going to feel worse in the coming months, despite the hope that I will be getting better, overall. Yes, I’m being weaned off of the unnecessary meds my previous physicians have put me on (thereby lightening some of my financial load), but that adds something called “hume” to the mix, which basically means, “side effects of coming off of medication”.
What does this mean?
Well, basically, it means that my chances of keeping a job, let alone landing one in the first place, are going to plummet. I don’t think I have to do the math for you on that one…it’s fairly self-explanatory.
My inability to care for myself physically and financially is causing some mental and emotional turmoil. To put it frankly, being in this situation makes me want to die. I want to clarify that I have no plans to hurt myself – if I was going to, I would have done it long ago, in the form of cutting (pleasant, eh?). As of yet, no thoughts of suicide have presented themselves. I just don’t want to live like this. I am not myself, any more. I don’t know who I’ve become, and I don’t like what I’ve become, or what I’m going through.
The thought of asking for help makes me cringe. I’ve done it before, and people have been wonderful under less strenuous circumstances than these, like several years ago when my student loans hadn’t come in, yet, and I was facing some financial strain in the form of not being able to attend college that semester.
Forrest is doing a LOT, and I can ask of no more from him, nor can he give any more to me. I could ask for no better partner at a time like this, and I hope you understand me not publicly offering up any of the details of our relationship as it pertains to this situation. It’s not relevant, due to the aforementioned limit reached. My point in bringing him up at all is to say that I am, at least, in a supportive living environment, which counts for a lot.
You’ll notice that I’ve added a donation link to the top of the left sidebar.
Yes, it’s correctly worded now. I’m even going to put a page here on my blog with information about Lyme, links to sites with information and associations, and will be updating as much as I can here with what I’m comfortable sharing, as I have been. It hasn’t been much, but most of the side effects are ones that are even too rude for me to bring up in a conversational fashion without sounding like either a sicko or a whiner. No one likes a whiner.
Anyway, there it is. Do what you will with the information. If you have money to give, it’s appreciated. If you don’t, whatever.
If you feel compelled to say something, but don’t know what to say – don’t worry about it. I know how difficult it is to comment on a situation like this. I can barely comment on it myself, and I’m the person going through it. It’s ridiculous, confusing, and painful.
I feel stupid. But again, I’ll keep you updated, and I thank those of you who’ve been supportive thus far. It does help to know that people are concerned – really.
And…yeah, that’s all I’ve got.