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>insert witty title that neatly sums up the post [here]<

This job, which would have had 23-year-old me laughing and kicking ass, is making me feel stupid because I’m making really, really obvious mistakes and not catching them, and I have no explanation for why I’ve made the mistakes when confronted with them (even if I’m not treated like an idiot during confrontation…and I think the person who was treating me like an idiot has realized that yelling at me doesn’t help, or she was treated to some chastisement, because she’s been nicer to me this week).  This scares me with the implications regarding my health and just how serious things are.  *I* don’t “not understand” stuff…or at least, I didn’t.  Now?  It’s like I’ve lost 30 IQ points in 2 years.

I feel like I’m Charley, and I know that I should know something, and DID know something, but I don’t understand why I don’t know it any more, and it’s frustrating.  (“Flowers for Algernon”, for you non-literary folk…look up a synopsis…I’m feeling like the beginning of the experiment’s failure.)  Like Algernon, I can’t do the mazes, but I can smell the cheese, and I know I’ve tasted it…I just can’t get to it right now, and I don’t know why.  I mean, I could do it before, so I should be able to do it again, right?

I’m scared, y’all.  I don’t know any better way to say it.  I could lose my job for this, and it was implied today that I might if my performance doesn’t improve.

I should stress that this job is, in terms of complication, a joke.  It’s important, but it’s not difficult.  For some reason, I just can’t do it correctly, and my mistakes are making more work for others, which is pretty much the opposite of what hiring me was supposed to do.

Life’s puzzles and menial tasks used to be effortless for me.  I haven’t just been knocked down to “average”, I’ve been knocked BELOW average on understanding directions and some linguistic skills.  Emotionally, I’m finding myself just not giving a shit about people who are actually in situations where I *should* give a shit.  I’m turning into a mean (or indifferent), frustrated, and stupid person who can’t use their words…a toddler, basically.

I haven’t been blogging as much BECAUSE I don’t know how to put this into words, in fact.  I’ve been feeling it for the past several months, and with the job, it’s just become more apparent, and it’s depressing me.  At least I still have the capacity to understand that this isn’t normal for me – but I’m finding myself wondering how long THAT’S going to last.  At what point will I stop caring about what I used to know, and just toddle along, occasionally becoming frustrated at “new” tasks, but on the whole just being unaware of my former potential?

The more important question right now:  Do I want that?  Because right now, I’m wishing that I was completely ignorant of the person I used to be.  And that thought makes me not want to be alive, because my mind is who I am.  It’s all I have.

I’m not suicidal.  Just frustrated and scared.

Physically, some other issues have cropped up, so I’m feeling more fragile in that sense, too.  It hasn’t been a good week.

I don’t know how to end this, because I don’t even have the energy to further muse on the subject.  Solutions, possible causes, dietary concerns, emotional stressors…I mean, what the fuck can I say?  Nothing I haven’t said before.

It’s just…getting worse.  And I don’t have an answer for it.

 

12 comments to >insert witty title that neatly sums up the post [here]<

  • motherslittlehelper

    you’re fine. i’ve been there. just do the best you can. hope next week is better.

    • Yeah, I know. I’m doing what I can. This week was a bit better, but I’m willing to bet I have 600 bills waiting for me on Tuesday, and then the mail will arrive with 3 days’ worth of bills…woo. I’m not used to constantly playing catch-up. I’m used to jobs that have measurable points of accomplishment. This job just doesn’t have that.

  • This isn’t the first time, nor probably the last time that I’m completely infuriated with myself, because I feel powerless to help improve the day of a friend. Kinda making my bad day worse already.

    I’ve mostly waved goodbye to my own happiness a long time ago, and the little I do get, is either through massive amounts of player-hating, or just doing little things to make my friends’ days a little brighter.

    I can, however empathize with you on your frustrations in your job. I’m really sucking at everything lately. It doesn’t help that I have a bunch of trivial crap weighing heavily on my mind (that is driving me to the brink of insanity), but I’m practically running on hardly any sleep either.

    For now, just know that even though I’m probably the one who knows you the least, it still kills what little is left inside me to hear that cosmic justice hasn’t entirely found it’s way to a certainly deserving soul.

    • I appreciate it. I’m sorry you’re going through bad stuff…’tis the season, it seems, for a lot of people.

      If you don’t know me, how do you know I’m deserving? Har, har. (sorry, bad joke)

  • magbee

    performance anxiety’ Everyone get’s it and it’s even easier to get when you’re over qualified in your current position. I used to get it at previous jobs more for the fact that I was over confident with my abilities so i let my guard down and ended up making shitty mistakes. Being one of managment, i will tell you that you are really not in trouble of losing your job. That was simply employee motivation speech 101. Just don’t think about it, we all know your smarter than the average bear, and you dont have shit to prove to anyone. So, go in tomorrow and WOW them with your “what ever it is you do” -ness and you will be back in no time.

    Now, as far as the other stuff…. I think it might be runover from the job. But I’m a man and usually wrong.

    l8

    • …yeah, my performance anxiety isn’t THAT bad. The tedium sucks ass, and I know that contributes, but I don’t get performance anxiety on data entry, of all things. If anything, when I screw up and get called on it, it sharpens my focus. That’s what acting and singing classes do for you. I’ve been assured that they have no plans to fire me, and I’m pretty sure they’ve talked to this particular employee about being a bitch, because she’s been a bit nicer to me since then.

      I know part of what I’m feeling is exhaustion, because I’m not used to working. Even putting that into account, I AM better, physically. It’s mentally that I’m worried about.

  • Five years ago I was mentally unable to process reading anything more advanced than YA novels. I would fly into rages I couldn’t understand. I bought a pair of shoes that I didn’t wear for another two years because I forgot they existed. This is all very unlike me.

    My mental functioning has gone up and down a bit since then, and I don’t feel it’s quite where it used to be yet. But I can tell you this: After about six months of antibiotic treatment for Lyme Disease, things improved, and they never got that bad again.

    I honestly do relate very much to what you’re feeling right now. It WILL get better. For now, you’re doing what you can.

    • As soon as I can, I’m getting the antibiotic treatment. I want to kill the active buggers so that the damage stops, and my brain has half a chance of repairing itself.

  • I have always had issues with memory, even as a kid I had memory recall issues. Small ones, but noticeable when compared to others. Fast forward a few years, when my first wife left, I decided to drink away all that was wrong with me. Took a few years and all it did was end up screwing with my already poor memory skills. Not complaining, just saying so that you understand.

    So I’m stuck. An IQ somewere in the upper side of “normal” (I tested pretty high, just not quite genius) that only works when I can manage to access it. The rest of the time, I’m an idiot. Or at least it feels that way.

    Guess I’m just saying that your post reminded me of how I feel sometimes on a particularly bad day. I will know that a particular memory is there, but be unable to access it. Lately, the problem has spread to words. I will be talking along and a word, one that is perfect for what I am trying to say, will be GONE. I remember that there is a word for that thing, but not the word. Sometimes I even remember the word for the split second while I am formulating a thought before I speak, but by the time I get around to saying the word in the sentence it is no longer there and I’m stuck, having said half a sentence and… gerk… nothing.

    I as much as it sometimes feels like it, you are not alone.

    s

  • I came here from Tam’s, I haven’t been following your story, so maybe I am talking through my hat, but have you seen a doctor?

    • Yeah…heh. I’ve been clinically diagnosed with Lyme since earlier this year, but I’ve been infected since 1997, so there’s basically not much that can be done aside from…well…trying to live as well as I can. I don’t have insurance, yet (I will in another month), but when I do, I’ll hopefully be able to get some stronger treatment than just, “avoid these foods, here, take this for your chronic intestinal candida, and here’s a cane, just in case.” It’s a little frustrating, when you and your doctor suspect that bacteria are eating through your brain, but there’s not much you can do about it.