This job, which would have had 23-year-old me laughing and kicking ass, is making me feel stupid because I’m making really, really obvious mistakes and not catching them, and I have no explanation for why I’ve made the mistakes when confronted with them (even if I’m not treated like an idiot during confrontation…and I think the person who was treating me like an idiot has realized that yelling at me doesn’t help, or she was treated to some chastisement, because she’s been nicer to me this week). This scares me with the implications regarding my health and just how serious things are. *I* don’t “not understand” stuff…or at least, I didn’t. Now? It’s like I’ve lost 30 IQ points in 2 years.
I feel like I’m Charley, and I know that I should know something, and DID know something, but I don’t understand why I don’t know it any more, and it’s frustrating. (“Flowers for Algernon”, for you non-literary folk…look up a synopsis…I’m feeling like the beginning of the experiment’s failure.) Like Algernon, I can’t do the mazes, but I can smell the cheese, and I know I’ve tasted it…I just can’t get to it right now, and I don’t know why. I mean, I could do it before, so I should be able to do it again, right?
I’m scared, y’all. I don’t know any better way to say it. I could lose my job for this, and it was implied today that I might if my performance doesn’t improve.
I should stress that this job is, in terms of complication, a joke. It’s important, but it’s not difficult. For some reason, I just can’t do it correctly, and my mistakes are making more work for others, which is pretty much the opposite of what hiring me was supposed to do.
Life’s puzzles and menial tasks used to be effortless for me. I haven’t just been knocked down to “average”, I’ve been knocked BELOW average on understanding directions and some linguistic skills. Emotionally, I’m finding myself just not giving a shit about people who are actually in situations where I *should* give a shit. I’m turning into a mean (or indifferent), frustrated, and stupid person who can’t use their words…a toddler, basically.
I haven’t been blogging as much BECAUSE I don’t know how to put this into words, in fact. I’ve been feeling it for the past several months, and with the job, it’s just become more apparent, and it’s depressing me. At least I still have the capacity to understand that this isn’t normal for me – but I’m finding myself wondering how long THAT’S going to last. At what point will I stop caring about what I used to know, and just toddle along, occasionally becoming frustrated at “new” tasks, but on the whole just being unaware of my former potential?
The more important question right now: Do I want that? Because right now, I’m wishing that I was completely ignorant of the person I used to be. And that thought makes me not want to be alive, because my mind is who I am. It’s all I have.
I’m not suicidal. Just frustrated and scared.
Physically, some other issues have cropped up, so I’m feeling more fragile in that sense, too. It hasn’t been a good week.
I don’t know how to end this, because I don’t even have the energy to further muse on the subject. Solutions, possible causes, dietary concerns, emotional stressors…I mean, what the fuck can I say? Nothing I haven’t said before.
It’s just…getting worse. And I don’t have an answer for it.