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Is this absolutely terrible of me?

Before you read this, I want to say that if you’re with family and friends and are enjoying yourselves, for God’s sake, don’t let me ruin your good time.  Do what you want, and what makes you happy.  This is just my personal opinion based on my personal experiences.  Eat the hell out of some turkey and dressing, and socialize and have a good time.  Sincerely, if it means anything to you, Happy Thanksgiving.

And now for the shit-talk.

I HATE Thanksgiving.

In the age of the Internet, everyone’s doing these memes of posting one thing per day in November of what they’re thankful for, and acting like it’s this big thing, and I’m like, “Hey, can’t you do that…um…all the time?  And just not talk about it with everyone?  Because it’s kind of annoying, thanks.”

Not that I don’t have anything to be thankful for…I do.

The thing in my leg?  Likely a (harmless…and yes, there is such a thing) surface aneurysm caused by trauma (baby gate FAIL, essentially – I fell this summer, and didn’t even think about it, but the gate is the same height as the lump, and the fall was pretty epic…the gate came down with me, and I had some gnarly bruises all over the place).  The trauma caused a weak spot, NSAIDS caused blood thinning when I took them during my period, which is why it would get bigger and smaller, and it just got to the point of, um, expressing itself this weekend.  It still looks funny, and I’m keeping an eye on it, but it’s not an infection, and it’s not a blood clot.  It’s basically a bruise from the darkest reaches of hell…but it didn’t hurt.  WTF, y’all.  RANDOM.

My new job is interesting, even if it’s sporadic enough to make me twitchy about money.  I’m looking for another part-time gig…in fact, I’m thinking of looking at my local range to see if they need counter help, since they usually do this time of year.  But my boss?  Is freakin’ hilarious.  And she TRUSTS me to do a good job, which makes me feel really good about myself.  She handed me a bunch of cash and sent me on errands today.  It’s literally been almost 10 years since an employer did that…trusted me with their petty cash, and gave me waaaaaaay too much of it for what they wanted (stamps, batteries, and a bike chain…seriously).  I’m still technically a temp, and am being paid through the agency, but the woman gave me a HUG today after I spent a couple of hours filling out checks for her business and personal bills (I’m apparently ACTUALLY a personal assistant, not just a calendar-keeper), and told me she was so happy I was there.  I mean…holy shit.  Yes, I need to get another job to supplement, but unless she goes all Sybil on me, I LIKE this job.  I’m HAPPY to run errands…to feel useful.  Also?  She has epically high ceilings in her home, and if I don’t lose some weight after working there for a while (the office is upstairs), I will clearly have been doing something wrong.

I have Forrest.  We had a bit of a spat recently, but because we’re ADULTS, we talked it through, instead of one party pouting and being all passive-aggressive while the other sat in silence and just ignored the issue.  That’s a big deal for me.  My initial impulse was to hide, but then I thought, “WTF?  No.  No, no, no.”  And we talked.  And it’s all good, now.

These are things that can happen ANY day of the year.

This also happens to be during the time period of what I’m now referring to as Year Three of the Worst Season in Existence.  For the past few years, something horrible has ALWAYS happened between Halloween and New Year’s Day.  ALWAYS.  I count my honeymoon in this…that sucked so much ass, you guys.  I was on my period the whole time (I’d just started my birth control…it wasn’t a pleasant three weeks), and Wasband got homesick.  The only redeeming feature (aside from the awesomely cozy cabin we stayed in, courtesy of Michael and Claire, who could sure as hell use some prayers right now, by the way, if you’re in the prayin’ mood – they’re both in East TN, at that same cabin, getting intensive Lyme treatment), was the pizza from that little shop in Cobbley Knob.  Holy shit, that pizza was awesome.

You all know what happened the next year.  If not:  Wasband left me in a ridiculous fashion, I went through my divorce during the anniversary of our wedding and honeymoon (we had them at separate times), and spent the new year in such a funk that I don’t even remember what I did, but it probably involved halfway participating in some sort of countdown at my dad’s house while watching Netflix on a friend’s account.  I avoided family because they all wanted to talk about the divorce, and I wanted to be left alone to sulk and cry and be depressed, because THEN I got diagnosed with Lyme.  Yeah.  It sucked some serious ass.

This year, some bad shit has gone down.  Not nearly as awfully life-changing as the previous two years (no, seriously…the honeymoon was the beginning of the end of our marriage, and I wish I was joking…I lied my ass off for MONTHS about being happy), but I’ve had some shitty luck, some health scares, a boss from hell, my car STILL sucks, and with the economy being as bad as it has been, I’m honestly amazed I’ve made it this far.  I’ve been given medications that literally made me almost drive into traffic…and another that caused me to self-injure.  I could, literally, be dead right now, all because no one’s quite sure what’s wrong except that I have Lyme and I’m having abnormal reactions to things.

The thing is, it’s not my attitude.  I mean, yeah, I hate the holidays, now, and that’s coloring my viewpoint a bit because of all of the new symbolic shit behind the usual symbolic shit, and it’s only been a year, so I’m still a little bitter when I think about things, but I’ve been trying to pick myself up and do stuff.  I’ve recorded some songs (with new ones DEFINITELY on the way, as well as something I’m not allowed to talk about, but am excited about, because it’s a potential happy-maker).  I’ve maintained a fairly healthy relationship for the past 10 months…which is longer than I’d known Wasband before we got engaged (lulz, y’all).  I’ve re-connected with some old friends, and have maintained relationships that were all but gone when I was married.  I’ve been actively job-searching, and re-registered for a class at grad school…I’m GOING FOR IT.

I just fucking HATE Thanksgiving, probably for the same reason that some REALLY devout Christians HATE Christmas and people who put up a tree once a year and feel pious…like the Catholics who sit in Christmas Mass looking at the sea of new faces that only show up that one night a year…I mean, I feel like a total pompous ass when I admit how I feel about this holiday.

But it’s how I feel.

6 comments to Is this absolutely terrible of me?

  • Don’t feel bad. I loathe Thanksgiving, as well. My birthday falls around it every year, and once I became an older child the birthday and holiday were lumped together, for ‘convenience’. I loathe turkey, so having turkey on my birthday was particularly special, as well as watching the men drink too much watching the game, while the women made way too much food in the kitchen and bitched about the men in the other room. I was the only kid.
    Today, my exgf is coming over, and we’re having spaghetti with meat sauce, salad, garlic bread and cheesecake!
    Enjoy those things you can, for yourself!

    • Oh, GOD, that sucks. I hope you and your ex had a good night!

      I ended up going to a sorta-stranger’s house (again) in the evening. I actually know the hostess’s daughter (she and I went to high school together), but we hadn’t seen each other in 10 years. It was small, full of food and snark, and no one asked me any grating personal questions. I need to make this a new tradition, I think.

  • Karl Amann

    So, other than that, how did you like Dallas Mrs. Kennedy?

  • Well, if you’re interested in a road trip, I can always accommodate you guys in Vegas for Thanksgiving!