I don’t even know where to begin on the past several days. I should note that my mother broke a vertebra in her lumbar spine, so the bad luck hasn’t just been hanging around my door. (She’s okay, BTW – just needs to rest so it can mend, but she’s getting a bone scan Monday, so we’ll know more about why the hell it did that. She has help, so she’s good.)
I guess it begins where everything else does, these days: in the general area of my uterus.
I wrote a big ol’ post’o’doom on Saturday night, after a really bad incident, but decided not to publish it, to not only save delicate sensibilities (yes, I do have some concerns for the gag reflexes of others, occasionally), but because clearly, with me having surgery, you guys know that there’s something seriously wrong without me posting about it.
Well, here’s the deal – it hasn’t exactly stopped, it just keeps changing format. The miserable symptoms, I mean…pain, various amounts of stuff coming from various places (when it’s not supposed to), headaches, and even a couple of pre-seizure auras fit to beat the band.
I don’t recall seizures, so if I’ve had any, they’ve been at times when my brain’s not really all there, anyway (like pre- or post-sleep fog, for example), but I’ve been extra-exhausted during the day, so who knows what’s going on at night? All of my covers ended up on the floor last night and the night before, and that hasn’t happened to me for quite a number of years. Something’s going on while I sleep, but I’ll be damned if I know what it is.
“But Bonnie…” you may begin, your brow furrowing, “didn’t you say you only had seizures when you were really upset or anxious?”
Why, yes, Internet, I DID say that! And that’s a very astute observation! I AM stressed! It’s all pain, though – and the resulting “can’t get this done” from that pain and the possible seizure activity (all I know is I’m getting auras. I can’t tell much more than that. Yes, that’s a bit scary, too).
Anyway, so the basics of my Friday and Saturday are that my cramps started, and I didn’t have adequate medication for them, due to dealing with those weird cramps that have spurred the surgery. So Friday night was spent just hanging in there, but Saturday was when things got extra fun.
WARNING: This is gross. Look for the next line of bold text to see when this description ends, though I’m not going to go out of my way to go into too much detail.
Forrest went to a movie with his friend, and because I’d just been having pain, I didn’t stop him. He and this friend don’t get to hang out much, and I had no reason at the time to believe that my night would get bad, so why on Earth would I not let him go see a movie?
About 15 minutes after he left (the movie would have just been starting, I imagine), I started having such bad cramps that I wasn’t sure I was going to make it to the bathroom (to, um…sorry, but pass a clot. I prefer to do so in the toilet, if possible, for several reasons, mostly relating to gravity and comfort and clean-up). I did, yay, but then I had such a surge of pain that it turned into severe nausea.
I had moments to grab the garbage can in front of me before expelling roughly half of the contents of my stomach very forcefully.
I then passed out.
Head between the knees, face in the garbage can, I sat, for I’m not sure how long.
I awoke, smelled the garbage can, and the rest of the contents of my stomach followed, including pieces of pizza crust that I really should have chewed better, because I almost choked.
Then I passed out, again.
This time, the garbage can kind of tumped over (it had lots of…absorbent things in it, so nothing ran out or whatever), and my face landed on my leg.
I awoke, again, marveled that I was still sitting on the toilet, took note of my headache, and began to clean myself up after a few minutes of gathering my composure. During that clean-up, the cause for all of my pain was revealed to be the largest clot I’ve passed OR seen. It was half the size of my palm (and those who know me know how big my hands are), and seeing it was like seeing the answer to a math problem you’ve been staring at for an hour: of course that’s it. of course. that was the reason the entire time.
I also, naturally, freaked a little, but everything else seemed normal, so I quickly calmed down.
…and then my body decided to pretend it had food poisoning. So, you know, that was fun. I got it under control, but didn’t sleep much that night, leading to a fun Sunday, as well.
OKAY, THE GROSS STUFF IS OVER. RESUME READING NORMALLY.
This event (which I texted the basics of to Forrest, to let him know he should probably come straight home after the movie, just in case), the fact that I spent all of Sunday wondering if I was going to have to go to the emergency room for the pain, all day Monday recovering from that pain (it sounded stupid to me until it happened to me – you sleep a LOT after a painful event, especially if it involves a lot of tense muscles), Tuesday fighting off a re-birth of my sinus infection (it appears to have finally gone, but I’m still all congested), and yesterday at the surgery consult (the exam of which created more cramping…you see where this is going), means that nothing has gotten done.
I can’t concentrate when I’m in a lot of pain, and until just a few hours ago, I was still having that awful cramping. (Oh, just kidding, it’s back. >.<)
This is why this surgery is so important. This is why I finally humbled myself into asking for help. I can’t take it any more. I really can’t. My life is put on hold for so many days a month, and I never know when it’s going to begin or how long it’s going to last, and I’m suffering more for that reason (and have been for much longer) than for the way my Lyme’s been affecting me (though the reason the cramping affects me so badly now is, and this is something my doctors agree on, because of the Lyme).
So anyway, the information for those who are inclined towards happy thoughts or prayer during times of high stress:
Monday, April 8, 2013: 10:00am CST (surgery pre-assessment, including bloodwork and the like)
Friday, April 12, 3013: 11:00am CST (SURGERY. Can last anywhere from 1-4 hours, depending on degree of ick they find.)
So there it is. I have a scheduled exploration of my abdominal cavity to look for lesions, cysts, and cancer (which NO ONE will say out loud, but they will all dance around it – “You’re much too young for these kinds of issues…but then again, with your family history, we can’t rule out…” and then just TRAIL OFF. GAH, JUST SAY IT.), along with anything else that may have decided it had a place in that little nook on the outside of my uterus, just above the cervix, on the left side.
A Lyme-filled cyst hasn’t been ruled out, either. I’m just terrified of that visual. I envision those things like spider egg sacs. *shudder*
(And I’m going to shut up, now, even though writing this freely has distracted me a bit from the surgical-curiosity area, which has decided to impress upon me how displeased it is at having been poked yesterday.)