I went to my colonoscopy consult, today. I was afraid he was going to want to do another physical exam, but he said, “Nah, we’re going to be getting up-close-and-personal with you soon using a camera tube, so we’ll let you go without, today.” At least…he has a sense of…humor?
I will update you on my insurance stuff in the next entry, but for now? I feel the need to go into detail about what I’m to experience starting on Sunday, with sarcasm and fun, because that’s the only way to deal with something like this.
My prep is going to be FUN, you guys!
Sunday, I’m to eat no fresh fruits (I’m allowed bananas and melons, likely because of the poo factor – you ever eat more than one banana and NOT have to shit?) or fresh veggies (I will crave a salad for this reason – watch it happen, I’ll probably dream of dancing bitters with sunflower seeds and carrot strips), no whole grains, bran, nuts, popcorn, foods with seeds, nor am I to take any fiber (no bulk, kthxbai, basically). I also have to start taking Miralax. (Also, they specifically say to not eat corn. I laughed at that, because I’m 12.)
Monday, I have to stop all solids at 11:45pm. My last solid meal will likely be white-flour pasta with white sauce, because I’m a brat. Also, more Miralax.
Tuesday, if I have solids, I have to cancel my procedure. No shit (and no pun intended). So chicken broth, Gatorade, Jell-o (is…kind of a liquid?), popsicles, etc., but NOTHING COLORED RED OR PURPLE. IN ALL CAPS. ALL OVER THE PLACE. NO PURPLE, DAMN IT, BECAUSE IT CAN BE MISTAKEN FOR BLEEEEEDING. No milk, no alcohol (big loss, that last one).
Direct quote from the sheet, which I find hilarious: “Clear liquids you may have include water, coffee, tea … soft drinks…” REALLY? If your coffee is translucent, you’re doing it wrong. And the check-out nurse specifically said I could have Diet Coke if I wanted. Again – CLEAR: UR DOIN IT RONG.
Tuesday afternoon (sometime between 3pm and 5pm…I’m waiting until later, because my procedure is in the afternoon on Wednesday – yes, I kind of got shafted, but I wanted it done as soon as possible), I have to take one Dulcolax, and then drink 64 ounces of Gatorade-diluted Miralax in 2 hours. I assume that after this is the wonderful “OMG WHERE’S THE TOILET I’M JUST GOING TO CAMP HERE LEAVE ME TO DIE” portion of the prep.
Wednesday, 4 hours before my procedure (so at like, 10am), I have to drink 10 ounces of Magnesium Citrate. If you’ve never tasted this stuff, it’s like salted hell with a side of bitter old man ass. It coats your mouth in AWFULNESS, and if you manage to keep it down, it makes your intestines go, “What the HELL are you trying to do to me? Just for that, I’m going to cramp repeatedly when you’re nowhere near a toilet. YOU FEEL THAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH?”
I can continue clear liquids up to two hours before my appointment (noon), but I suspect I’ll be dead by then, so it likely won’t matter.
THEN I go to the appointment, my large intestine is blown up like a balloon animal, and they roto-rooter the hell out of it looking for anything weird. When I awaken, I will be given the power to repel everyone around me with my flatus, which will trumpet mightily, because my body, as we’ve established, doesn’t do anything half-assed (no pun intended). I intend to torture my boyfriend on the way home (and possibly anyone manning the drive-thru on wherever I insist we stop for food, because I get punchy when I don’t eat…like…literally punchy), and then fart on the cats, because what’s the use of having this sort of super power if you can’t abuse it?
The best part, though…THE BEST PART: According to my birth control pill pack, I start my period next week. And I can’t take my painkillers without food.
…maybe I should reschedule.