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I can’t sleep.

On Friday, my student loans are going to default because I have no income, and am really not fit for work in several aspects.  I have been called approximately 30 bazillion times by my loan officer about this, and when informed that getting a job is not possible, they say the SAME THING every single time:  “Can you borrow the money from a friend or family member?”  Yeah, sure, let me just go ask my friend Bill Gates for $130K, brb lulz.

There’s an economic hardship clause, but apparently I don’t meet it?  I’m confused and angry about that.

I’m more pissed about not being able to work than I am about my loans defaulting.  It’s like, what are they going to do?  Take my car?  I don’t drive it, anyway, because I CAN’T.  Anything else of value I have is in my storage unit, and most of that’s probably going to have to be sold, anyway, so I can afford basic bills.

I’m contacting my lawyer tomorrow to see if there’s anything that can be done about this, because if I am forced to try to pay the student loans at this point in my life and for the foreseeable future (like, even a small part of them, because, again, no freakin’ income):

I will not be able to afford my medication.

I will not be able to afford food, because my diet is kind of specific (allergic to chicken = many fewer choices), and apparently it’s assumed having allergies is a luxury, so everything costs more.

I will not be able to afford to keep any of my things in storage.

I will not be able to pay any other bills or incidentals that crop up (including the hospital bills that keep coming in, because my insurance company is being slow).


My disability is being filed, and I might be able to hold off the loan officers with that information, but I don’t know for sure.  I also have no idea when my claim will be reviewed, or how long it’s going to take to get through to the point where I have to go to court and be like “Yeah, I’m sick. I rely on the kindness of strangers.  I realize SSI is pretty much the same thing, except for the ‘kindness’ part, but I paid into the system, so please just give me a break.”

I also realize that, with my loans defaulted, garnishment of disability is likely going to happen (as well as probably prosecution of some sort), and so while it would help for different things, it’ll basically just go straight to loans, so I still probably won’t be able to afford treatment.

This worry about money is making me feel worse, physically, and that little negative voice in my head?  The one that’s basically a little piece of bipolar, thanks to my medication making my brain swell? Is telling me I’d be better off dead, seeing as how my life is such a mess right now that I can’t make a dent in anything.

Don’t worry – I’m not going to listen to it.  I’m not selfish or stupid or anything.

I’m just stressed and panicking a lot.

I found out a friend is sick this weekend (like…very sick), and the same night apparently pissed off one of my best friends due to a double-standard I wasn’t aware existed with him.  (he says something, it’s okay…i say it, and he gets butthurt).

The latter is not a big deal, in the scheme of things, but it’s like piling bricks on top of an ostrich egg.  Sure, the shell is thick, but that sucker’s going to break, and it may not take a lot of weight to do it.


Ugh.  I just want the world to go away for a while.  Life is like Pennywise, right now, and I just can’t handle it.

5 comments to I can’t sleep.

  • I’m pretty sure there’s a case to made here for “If you seize my income, I can’t afford my medication, in which case I die and you get NO MONEY AT ALL FROM ME, EVER.” Surely there are legal provisions that prohibit them from suing/garnishing you to literal death?

    Praying for you, babe. *HUGS*

    • They seriously won’t listen to me because I’m currently not on disability, but I’m referring them to my lawyer for future contact regarding my disability status, because I’m tired of arguing with them.

      Legal provisions are basically limited to: sue them first just to get them to go away, declare bankruptcy and sue them in court (with a REALLY good lawyer, which I’m getting), and die.

      <3 I’m trying. I’m doing what I can. It’s just stressful.

      • SPQR

        Its difficult to discharge government guaranteed student loans in bankruptcy – basically the statutory standards for “hardship” forgiveness.

        No one can “prosecute” you specifically for not paying your student loans, and you should discuss the limitations on garnishment by your attorney in detail, as you can manage that.

        • I meet two of the three requirements, and you only have to meet one for a judge to hear your case (regarding “hardship”). I have been assured by a bankruptcy lawyer (who worked with a friend) that it is, indeed, possible for student loans to be forgiven through bankruptcy, and that most of the time, lawyers just don’t put in that extra effort because the client is told it’s impossible before they even talk to the lawyer. Hardship is the major reason. Disability = valid and solid reason to dismiss a student loan. So it’s possible, and I’m going for it. My credit’s going to suck, either way – it might as well suck for a determined period of 7 years, rather than the rest of my life, just because I had the misfortune of getting very sick right after graduation.

          I talked to my lawyer about it, and they’re sending me a letter specifically to send to the loan agency letting them know that yes, I’m disabled, yes, I’m applying for disability, because no, I can’t work right now, nor for the foreseeable future.

          I’ve basically been ignoring the loan officers’ calls. They’re agents of the actual company, so it’s not like a collection agency – it’s just the office itself, but yeah…nothing I can give them, so I’m opting to just forget about it until I can do something productive about it. I’m still freaking out, because I hate owing money, and I hate not being able to work, even more, but there’s literally nothing else I can do, so fuck it.

          They’re not going to take my stuff, I know – it’s just that I won’t be able to pay for storage, any more. I have a solution that I’m working on, for that, it just requires more manpower than I currently have, so we’re hammering out details. The thing about not being able to pay for storage would be that I would lose my stuff to auction because THAT happens.

          (I kind of answered both of your comments with this one.)

  • SPQR

    You wrote that you are being called by “loan officer”, if you mean some collection agency trying to collect on your student loans for the government, be aware: collection agency phone bank people are just liars. No one is going to prosecute you. If you don’t have assets (and a lot of personal property is really exempt from garnishment in reality) nor income, they can’t really do much. Please don’t stress. Your student loans are not your highest priority. Its the tactic of the collection agency scum to make you falsely believe that they are more important than they are.